Friday, February 09, 2007
i feel so weird nowadays.
i had a really bad training on monday. i felt really scared during the start of the workout. at about the 4th time of the 240m. i suddenly felt an urge to cry. i felt so scared during the workout. not being able to hit the timing , not completing the workout and the hot sun. in the end i decided to stop at the 6th time. i felt super bad to SQ. now im scared i cant get into the team. i mean im left with about 2 months. how am i supposed to regain my fitness and improve from where i left of in 2 months. it seems totally impossible now. EVERYTIME, i miss my target just because i fell sick. its seriously irritating. how SQ would keep saying me and sarah got the potential to move up to dan and sheryl but we would not be able to keep it that way cos of injury and sickness.
you probably dont know what im saying but i have to get it out of me. i just dont know who to talk to so yup, im typing.
i keep feeling like i am feeling sad. i dont even know over what. i hope tom is a better training. i dont have much time left.
9:40 PM;
Thursday, January 18, 2007
i did a good training today! :)
really happy. but i just hope i can make more progress and last until april. i would just cry for the whole night if i can't run for nats. gonna take part in a race on the 27th. hope i will do well. haven't ran in a race for almost 1 years. hope i won't get so scared that it affects my training.
anyway, learning to run relaxed and fast at the same time. not easy cos there's no exact fomulae to it. just have to feel relaxed, yet run fast. getting the grip of it but whenever i start getting, i forget about being relaxed and running fast. it really helps though. you won't tire out so easily, even though you're running really fast.
the new sec 1s came today. they were horrible. firstly, they are really noisy and are such a distraction. then, they are totally don't respond. you can tell them to take their bags and they will just sit there until someone coes along to rush them. then, thry don't keep their clothes in their own bag. they just throw in anywhere in the boot. like how gross is that. i feel mean, but it's just that they are acting very differently from how we act. im seriously being brainwashed by SQ. but i can't help it. now i know why he always get so irritated when we dont do as he says.
im gonna love training. LOVE IT
9:27 PM;
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
i wished i had a study group or something. it's really annoying how i keep telling myself to study and do my hw but i never get down to doing it. only when there are people around, then will i be willing to do my hw. how stupid is that. the best person to study with is still mel. HAHA. and also songheng. but he's such a busy and good boy. haha.
i don't want this year to pass by so quickly. it's like next year and we'll be out of secondary school. so scaryy.. although im not exactly having a lot of fun in school, but it's still better than having to adapt to a whole new school next year.
anyway, away from school, I WANT TO WATCH THE MOVIE RAIN IS STARRING IN.
IM A CYBORG BUT ITS OK. dunno if its a good show. but THERE"S RAIN! :)
9:58 PM;
Monday, January 15, 2007
it feels dam stupid when i run dam well on the day i got the least sleep.
i feel insecure most of the time.
i ALWAYS get ignored.
i hardly take initiative unless i have to cos no one else will.
i get frightened very easily by sudden sound or appearance.
im scared of the dark.
i can't sleep with mirrors and dolls in the room.
i get nightmares when i worry about something too much.
i never got the habit of using a notebook but i just keep buying thinking that i will use them properly one day.
i hate it when someone or something dies.
i'll just cry when i think about what i did with a person who just died.
when i cry, there's practically no stop to it. i'll just keep thinking about more things to cry about.
i always get too attached to guys who are older than me and treats me well. (cos of my freaking father)
im gonna miss SQ when i leave school. i know its so unthinkable but yea.
i get irritated easily.
and pple love to irritate me, just cos it's funny.
i hate being alone with nobody at all, cos i get scared.
i become super slow after training. i even have problem adding up my time.
i want to have a big house and a big family next time.
i always feel that i have a responsibility to bring in some income for my family.
i don't like being criticized unless that person can do things better than me.
i can't think of anymore. just things that was on my mind the whole day. about how i am. so afterall i think im not such a nice person. HAHAHA
9:49 PM;
Sunday, January 14, 2007
school.
trying my best to be more organised. although im not super organised with all my worksheets and homework, but at least my homeworks not piling up so fast and i manage to go by my first 2 weeks quite well.
and im actually using my school diary. usually i would just write for a few days then throw away already.. but amazingly im still using it.
i hope i can just continue with this and start revising through my sec 3 work.
can't wait for tuesday. hope it doesn't get cancelled again. hahah
11:17 PM;
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
i had this really terrible dream last night.
it was so bad, i cried until i woke up.
don't know why was the dream so upsetting.
i mean i know what happened would never happen in real life but i seemed so real, juat as you thought it was real, things turn bad and the dream became a nightmare.
just that one person.
anyway. had 2 test today. i'm feeling the stress already. all the test felt like some huge exam. so stupid but that was how i felt.
im really scared for this year. now that i sort of know what i want to be. i'm scared i can't reach that goal.
i'm also scared that my leg won't be able to hold on until april. i really want to get into the team. just a few more months. i hope my leg won't be okay and help me reach my goal.
8:31 PM;
Friday, December 29, 2006
my aunt is so freaking annoyin. SO ANNOYING. she stay at my house for a week already ok. and all she knows is how to complain. the only good thing is that she helps us wash up the dishes. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
10:58 PM;
Monday, December 25, 2006
i feel so blessed today. i think maybe its all the 'after effects' of being a leader, serving god. maybe, maybe. haha. im so screwed for training tom. i hope my coach forgets about the 'incident'. PLEASE LET HIM FORGET IT. it's not anything big but to him its such a big deal man.
oh wells i gotta sleep soon.
11:54 PM;
Sunday, December 24, 2006
ok. updating. my timing has deproved so much. 7 or 8 mins ok. not 7 secs or 8 secs. MINUTES. just because i pon another training. i think god's trying to teach me a lesson.
yes god. im not ponning anymore. IM NOT.
i really hate how i feel so self conscious and samll infront of him.
i feel so bad. i didn't give presents. i feel really mean. im gonna get some soon and give it out tom. yep.
im SO looking forward to my church christmas party. good thing he's not gonna be there. haha. i haven't done a single bit of my homework. i think i gotta stay at home on my birthday. SO SAD. haha.
YES. *HINT HINT* my birthday! hahaha
6:58 PM;
Saturday, December 16, 2006
actually there is so much i want to say. to have someone to share to, but i think its impossible. after these 4 days, the feeling is back again. wanting to see him, yet not daring to look at him. it's just so fustrating. i know it's so impossible. people will just laugh it off. but why can't i? i need to let it go.
LET GO
but i can't bear to. even though what i know of him is very little, i still feel the old feeling when i see him. the feeling of liking someone. that only applys to him. i get along with other guys with no prob, just him.
GO AWAY GO AWAY GO AWAY
i feel like a rollercoaster now. logically, it's impossible for you to even like me but if we don't use logic? would it actually be possible?
god. help me please.
7:54 PM;
i think this camp seemed to not have any effect on me at all. however, through the camp, i realised that i really enjoy serving god. being a leader for a first time, i felt like god had given me a chance i've always wanted. i also felt alot of joy just worshiping him. singing songs, dancing simple and fun dances, serving other brothers and sisters. however, i need to consider about actually committing myself. i don't have that much courage to stand upon the stage to sing but i know it's something i find joy in. the camp gave me a lot of answers i needed.
THANK GOD
AMEN
7:53 PM;
Monday, October 16, 2006
there's no training today!! i was thinking that i will die from today's training cos ever since my first training on sat, i was aching all over lah.
anyway i got back my chem paper today. i was pretty surprised at the marks i got cos i didn't really study. ok i did but i just didn't know if i was studying the right way for chem. when i was looking through the paper, a lot that i got correct was by guessing and those that i thought through really hard, i got then wrong. AHH so annoyed lah. anyway i must say that i was really lucky to get my marks. i just pray that all my other papers would be like that too.
oh man now i really like korean dramas especially princess hours. its so sweet and funny. i just love the lead actress and SHIN GOON! hahaha i know alot of people like yul but i prefer shin goon. OH and im gonna put links to the playlist of the shows i have watched so it's easier for people who want to watch it.
checked my CCA records today and im so far away for getting an A... im gonna drown myself in doing CIP and get 100 hours and maybe try and work towards getting into the team but its gonna be so hard. when i ran on sat, my knees were hurting like crazy. i thought maybe the break would help my knee to recover but it turned out the other way round. how upsetting. also not to forget that now im ultra slow.
HOWHOWHOW.
5:16 PM;
Monday, October 09, 2006
yay! im only left with geog paper 1, chinese listening, chinese paper 2 and add. maths papper 2.
i so screwed up my add. maths paper 1. i made so many careless mistakes. i think im gonna lose 30 marks out of 60!! i think... i hope i dont lose anymore. i always see wrongly or don't see it. AHHHHHH so annoying.
i want to have a whole lot of shows to watch after exams!!! hahah even now im still watching. but im gonna run out of shows to watch sooner or later. im gonna be so sad..
anyway i love the songs in meteor garden I and II. i know its quite a old show but its really nice. just that some parts are draggy. meteor garden II really got on my nerves for some parts. hahahah cos the couple that i wanted together was not due to a stupid accident and the guy lost his memory so he started to like some other girl and he forgot all about his girlfriend. its dam sad for the girlfriend lah. yup yup the songs are really nice to me. haha.
11:08 AM;
Sunday, October 08, 2006
sometimes i really hate myself. hate myself for always wanting to get good results without making any effort. be it in studies or relationships with people and of course god. im am probably the laziest person on earth.
i guess what's keeping me from being the best of me is myself. everybody has expectations of me. being a good sister, a dam fast runner, a smart girl who scores very well and a good friend. the person right now, i feel is peeled off all these. its not such a good thing either i guess. i feel so good-for-nothing. i know there are more people who have more expectations that these.
this year is not such a good year afterall. mel left school, mr ng left, found out something about my dad, obs, end-of years and lots of misunderstanding. put it in a better way, it was an eventful year. considering probably everyone in the level thinks that im a cry baby. hahah i've cried i think twice in school and it was all infront of more than one class. first was in obs. i think that was the silliest time to cry but i still did. second was recently, during PE. lots of people don't know why i cried. neither do i. its just that i really hate being misunderstood. after being scolding for something i did that was out of fun and meant no harm, i felt so small and tiny. i felt like shutting myself out from this world. i guess its escaping? maybe it was also because i felt like keep too much thing within myself and had to let it out. it was just that scolding that led me to think about other things that made me cry more.
9:48 AM;
Thursday, October 05, 2006
i can't stand studying anymore. it sucks. my results are probably gonna be dam bad i don't know how im gonna show my mum.
for EVERY subjuct i have been studying just the night before cos i refuse to study in the afternoon. HAHA then in the morning in so tired..
SO...
i went to ask my mum if she had anything to help me be more awake and she has!!! so i've been depending on it. it's really good. i had to study bio the whole night/morning and i had to take one of the pill. i wasn't suppose to eat more than one a day but who cares.
anyway i haven been in a very good mood since last wed. now, i hate going for PE.
7:33 PM;
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
taiwanese shows are really good. its hard to stop watching one after another. i just hope that i will finish them fast and there won't be anymore for me to watch so that i can start studying. im probably that last person who hasn't started studying. IM DEAD.
maybe i should make a list of shows i have watched when i have nothing to do.. HAHAH ok im going back to watching!
7:54 PM;